i spent most of last night and this morning crying. Some of it was related to specific thoughts and situations. Some of it was just bottled up emotion rushing out uncontrollably. i don’t know how it is for you but sometimes when that happens all of those really specific things seem to grow into ginormous insurmountable obstacles because you can only look at them through foggy tears fueled by every emotion you’ve ever felt. Thankfully, eventually, the cycle will wear itself out and all that stuff that seemed so huge and scary looks smaller and more manageable.
This week has been hard. Some stuff happened that i should be used to but am not. Some stuff happened out of the blue and i still haven’t quite figured out how to process it. Some was probably really silly and not worth being upset about but i was (Mortimer had a bit of an injury today and i had a little bit of a breakdown.) Some stuff may have happened entirely in my head but they still hurt so badly. And i blogged every day. i completed my assignment.
i feel good about completing it. But it has been a roller coaster. i was talking about it at my doctor’s appointment this morning. It’s good for me to get some of this stuff out. It’s a much healthier way for me to deal with things than cutting or bottling things up. However, in some ways i am emotionally still a child, i didn’t learn to deal with all those emotions the way that i should have so now that i’m trying to get them out it’s kind of like reliving things all over again and that’s hard. My doctor said that writing can be really good but can make things worse before better because of this. When you add to that the fact that i’m doing this on a blog, not in a journal that only i will see it’s even more overwhelming. It’s scary enough to sit down with someone you know and tell them how you’re feeling about things- putting it out there for the world to see is horrifying. It’s scary for me when i don’t get responses to things and it’s scary for me when i do. i feel sort of naked and trapped.
That being said, i’m glad i did it. i’m glad i was given this assignment by someone who knows how to push me because i need that push sometimes. i’m not going to keep blogging every single day but i want to do it more regularly because sometimes we need to intentionally do things that scare us.
i wrote a lot more about all that than i thought i was going to. So now onto what i actually wanted to say (thanks for sticking with me.) Today over on Elijah’s tumblr he posted this video:
So first of all, thank you to Elijah for posting this and to Jes for making it because i needed to see it today. i need to remember that my own self acceptance can start on the inside and can be made up of all sorts of tiny pieces. So i wanted to talk about some of the things that i like about me because there are days and moments when i feel like i can’t find any of those things and it’s scary for me to say things like this because i was taught not to “brag” even though it isn’t really bragging.
i love that i can canoe and arch and that i can teach other people how to do it too. i love that i love camp more than any other place. i love that i’m a Girl Scout. i love that i can look at things from lots of angles and pick it apart in a way to create an effective way of teaching a skill.
i love my freckles. And my hair- even though it drives me crazy- it holds hair dye well and it grows super fast meaning if i mess it up it’ll be fine in a few days.
i’m fiercely loyal. i love that i love books. i love that when i talk about books my heart starts to race a little bit like it is some sort of drug because i’m so excited. i love some of my writing. i love going back to it and being amazed that those words came from me.
i love that i don’t care if my apartment looks like a child lives there. i love that i don’t own sheets for my bed that don’t have some sort of animal or character on them. i love that i love Mort so much.
i love that i make pretty awesome cds for people. i love that i will sing to almost anything (when i’m alone) and that my brain is like a ridiculous card catalog of song lyrics. i love that i will sing my girls to sleep at camp no matter how old they are and that they tell me they miss it even now, years later.
That’s it for now but i’m going to steal an idea from Jes’s video and ask you to leave a comment, tweet, text, email, whatever with something you love about you and i’ll take it one step further. . . i did something good scary this week by blogging every day so let me know something good scary you can do to push yourself.