Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

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Sometimes the keyboard is mightier than the blade

February 26, 2015

i haven’t posted in forever because i’ve been feeling trapped. Trapped in my head, in my apartment, in my job, in this state, in certain relationships, and on and on and on. It seems like no matter where i turn to try and escape everything gets a little smaller. And this isn’t like a claustrophobic thing. The walls aren’t closing in on me. It’s more like a cartoon quicksand thing i guess. . . i keep trying to get away from everything and going under faster and faster. But i don’t know that the cartoon idea of holding still would make things any better either.

This monster is cruel. Because it is still there even when i feel strong. The anxiety, the panic, the doubt, and everything else that spirals into that dark place that i can’t ever fucking seem to get away from.

None of these words are right and if i feel trapped by my words i don’t know what i have left. i’ve been lying to so many people. Either by omission or flat out. Well enough that someone said to me something along the lines of i’ve seen you when you are depressed and this is definitely something different. And i guess it is different. Because i was asking for help and i was writing it out and that turned on me, again. i don’t want to have one more person get close to me just so they can rip it all away. And people say those people don’t deserve me in their lives and maybe that’s true but it can only happen so many times before you start to see all the things they said you were.

And then it’s only a matter of time for me before it feels like the only real friends i have, who will always be there, are small and silver and sharp. Then those scars start to look like comfort again and not like battle wounds. And i did. i fell off my streak, yet again while i’ve not been posting, because i can’t seem to do anything without fucking it up.

So why am i posting now? Because i was dumb enough to watch a movie on Netflix that i’ve been wanting to see since i heard they were making it Call Me Crazy: A Five Film and of course it triggered a shit ton of everything. Because each short had bits and pieces of my life flashing before me and i wanted to throw up but i couldn’t stop watching.

So i remembered a few things, however softly the message was whispered through the din of negativity that slams around in my head.

First of all this mental health shit wants us to feel alone. That’s why they are monsters. Because we aren’t alone. Even if we haven’t found our people in front of us they are out there because someone out there felt enough of what i feel to make me feel like a bit of my life was in that short.

And secondly i don’t want to live my life being a lesser version of myself. i don’t want to lie to people or feel like i can’t contribute to a conversation because some negative voice inside is telling me that i’m not worthy enough to participate. i don’t want to hold the people closest to me at arm’s length so they can’t see what is really happening with me. The things i love most about my friends and my chosen family are some of their quirks- not their perfection. i shouldn’t hold myself to any different standard.

So once again, here i go on this journey. Right now i don’t particularly want to be anywhere but as i don’t have that choice i’ll try not to disappear.

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Surrounded by way too many people but still way too alone

August 18, 2014

Questions and doubts are the only things that seem to be playing in my head. Trying to remind myself that this is just all part of the game the monster likes to play with me and then questioning whether i believe that or not. Wondering if it is actually worth making connections with people when i know i will never be good enough for what they deserve. And wondering if, in standing up for what i believe if i feel better standing alone right now or not. 

 

i don’t want to see people. Because i don’t want to have to pretend to be whatever i’m not right now. And we say it’s okay to not do that. We say we can be honest with people. And maybe that’s true, behind the closed doors of your home with a close friend. Or whispered with one person who you might be able to trust but you aren’t sure because trust is kind of for suckers anyway. i can’t be how i am right now around people without every wrong question being asked, look being given, hearing every sigh or seeing every eye rolling. And maybe even if that wasn’t the case i wouldn’t want to see people. i don’t know. Right now i feel broken. Not “unfixable” but kind of like a chain that falls off on a bike sometimes. i don’t want to be around people when i’m broken. 

 

The questions roll on and on and on, is it really that i don’t want to be around people or do i doubt that people want to be around me? Am i scared of what they will think of me when they see me broken?  How do people muster up the energy to speak to other people? Why can’t i just fake it for days and weeks anymore? Was that really better? Why can’t i have brain chemistry that works? Why is it so wrong to want to relieve all the pressure? What would people think if they knew how many hypothetical questions i asked and then googled? Should i be worried about those questions? Do i even deserve to be asking those questions? Why can’t someone who cares more than i do right now be doing this? 

 

i want to say this writing thing is worthless but i know it isn’t. i know it helps me. i know it is something solid for me to grasp when nothing else seems graspable. But right now, at this moment, it feels worthless. It feels like something no one cares about, something i do because someone else suggested it was a better thing to do than my other coping mechanisms. It feels like words that i am standing at the top of a cliff screaming and no one is hearing. And it isn’t a matter of page views or comments or anything like that. It’s just a matter of writing these stream of consciousness things and then still feeling like i’m standing alone at the top of the cliff. There’s no immediate relief. The monster can burrow into every crevice so quickly but needs all the time in the world to find its way out.

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i want what you have and how my brain is like a magnifying glass

May 19, 2013

i’m feeling completely overwhelmed with emotions. i’m trying to allow myself to feel all of them and be okay with that but what i really want to do right now is unscrew the top of my head and pick all of those feelings out of my brain and then go on my way.

Sometimes i shy away from blogging when i feel like this because i remember being taught that i shouldn’t have these feelings and if i was weak and did have them that i shouldn’t ever show them. i also get scared that if i talk about the things that are in my head that everyone will think i’m a horrible person and i’m terrified of that.

i’m trying to push myself through these fears and do this anyway. And i hope that i can write everything out in a way that doesn’t show me as terrible and that will act as a relief of some of the mounting pressure i’m feeling under the weight of everything.

We have a bajillion people in our lives. Some of them have a larger impact than others. When those people compliment you, it fills your heart in a way that other people can’t. However, on the other hand, if those people do something to upset you or disappoint you in some way, it can hurt more too.

This is hard no matter what. But it’s even harder when it is a newer relationship. With my best friend she can do something to make me angry and it hurts so deeply but i know that she is still my best friend and nothing is going to change that. We have put that time and effort in together over years and i just know, i can feel that bond even through the negative stuff.

There are people that we meet that we just click with. You can’t always explain it but there is some connection there. For me this is awesome and awful all at once. i don’t always connect with people well. i tend to stay in my safe little area until i know things are okay and then when i venture out i don’t know what to say or do. Finding someone that i connect with in a way that allows me to skip all that is fantastic. But. . . i’ve had some pretty shitty people in my life. So when something negative happens in the beginning of a new friendship i get so scared that i have screwed everything up, i was stupid and thought there was a connection where there really wasn’t, i am going to be left all over again, and whatever other multitude of panic filled negativity my brain can churn out.

i get scared that if i say something about these negative things- and maybe negative things is a bad phrase,misunderstandings, comments, actions, whatever it is- that i will come across as weak or needy or ridiculous. So i keep it inside where it festers until it causes a crack in the wall i have built and everything falls apart. It isn’t necessarily that i am holding on to a bad feeling about a certain person, it’s more of just the feeling in general that sits there and then tries to take over every relationship, skewing my view of what is really going on in my life. Sometimes it does hold on to the connection to a particular person in a way that i worry myself sick about it. Rather than just coming out and saying something like, “you said that you would do X and now you seem like you’ve forgotten/don’t care/blown me off/whatever and that is upsetting, can we fix this?” i wonder what i’ve done to make that person change their mind. i wonder what i can do to be better and make them like me again.

i was talking to my best friend the other day about this and she had to basically spell out for me that sometimes people, even good people, do shitty things to other people. It is not always my fault. It wasn’t a magic fix that changed everything right then and there but it was good for me to hear.

Sometimes we won’t get an apology or a confrontation with another person about these things because they honestly don’t realize that it has happened. That can be a bitter pill to swallow when something feels so enormous to me. But i need to remember that even though it feels enormous to me, it didn’t even register to them which means that whatever happened was not done out of malice or pre-meditated horribleness. That’s a huge distinction.

Then there’s this. . .

i read a book last year called Wanderlove by Kirsten Hubbard. It was a good book, not one of my all time favorites but i enjoyed it enough. But there one one line that has stayed with me since reading it and will probably stay with me forever.

“Envy is when you want what someone else has. Jealousy’s when you also don’t want them to have it.”

i set goals for myself constantly. i think about them over and over and over again until i can see them when i close my eyes. And i know that some of those goals take longer than others to achieve and that’s fine. i know how hard i will have to work to get there and that’s okay. It can get frustrating, of course, but i know how much more i will appreciate the end result when i’ve worked so hard for it rather than having it handed to me.

But. . . i definitely find myself so envious of other people sometimes. To the point where i stand in my own way or beat myself up over it. It’s graduation time and i see people i know graduating from school- high school, college, grad school, etc. And i’m so proud of them, my heart bursts with pride and i brag about them to other people (because i have ridiculously smart awesome friends) and then my heart has that tug of envy because i want that. i want to be graduating, i want to be in school, etc. i’m working toward that goal everyday but for whatever reason i see all these people achieving their amazing goals and dreams and i feel like i’ll never reach mine, that i’ll never be good enough to stand where they are. i know this is dumb, when it comes down to it, i don’t want to stand where they are, i want to stand in my own spot that i have created for myself. But my brain doesn’t always look at things logically.

It’s the same when it comes to recognitions or new jobs or promotions or whatever else. i love hearing about them. i get overwhelmingly happy when they happen to the people i care about most. And then that tug happens and i want that. i know we all have our own path and things will happen the way they are supposed to. That doesn’t make it any easier when you work toward something and don’t get it. It still hurts.

Feeling that hurt at the same time you feel so happy for someone is difficult. You have these conflicting emotions going on and you don’t want to come across as jealous. A lot of times you have to hide that hurt because it won’t come out the way you actually mean it. So again, it just sits inside until it bursts.

i don’t know the fix. i don’t know if there is one. i know that i can try to focus on the happy and use the envy to fuel my drive to achieve my own goals. And i can come here and try to shake out all the crazy feelings so they don’t explode. i guess that’s enough of a step forward for now.