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Surrounded by way too many people but still way too alone

August 18, 2014

Questions and doubts are the only things that seem to be playing in my head. Trying to remind myself that this is just all part of the game the monster likes to play with me and then questioning whether i believe that or not. Wondering if it is actually worth making connections with people when i know i will never be good enough for what they deserve. And wondering if, in standing up for what i believe if i feel better standing alone right now or not. 

 

i don’t want to see people. Because i don’t want to have to pretend to be whatever i’m not right now. And we say it’s okay to not do that. We say we can be honest with people. And maybe that’s true, behind the closed doors of your home with a close friend. Or whispered with one person who you might be able to trust but you aren’t sure because trust is kind of for suckers anyway. i can’t be how i am right now around people without every wrong question being asked, look being given, hearing every sigh or seeing every eye rolling. And maybe even if that wasn’t the case i wouldn’t want to see people. i don’t know. Right now i feel broken. Not “unfixable” but kind of like a chain that falls off on a bike sometimes. i don’t want to be around people when i’m broken. 

 

The questions roll on and on and on, is it really that i don’t want to be around people or do i doubt that people want to be around me? Am i scared of what they will think of me when they see me broken?  How do people muster up the energy to speak to other people? Why can’t i just fake it for days and weeks anymore? Was that really better? Why can’t i have brain chemistry that works? Why is it so wrong to want to relieve all the pressure? What would people think if they knew how many hypothetical questions i asked and then googled? Should i be worried about those questions? Do i even deserve to be asking those questions? Why can’t someone who cares more than i do right now be doing this? 

 

i want to say this writing thing is worthless but i know it isn’t. i know it helps me. i know it is something solid for me to grasp when nothing else seems graspable. But right now, at this moment, it feels worthless. It feels like something no one cares about, something i do because someone else suggested it was a better thing to do than my other coping mechanisms. It feels like words that i am standing at the top of a cliff screaming and no one is hearing. And it isn’t a matter of page views or comments or anything like that. It’s just a matter of writing these stream of consciousness things and then still feeling like i’m standing alone at the top of the cliff. There’s no immediate relief. The monster can burrow into every crevice so quickly but needs all the time in the world to find its way out.

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trying to write through the really big and the really little.

August 17, 2014

When i was younger there was a bread factory in town that you could take tours at. We went for school and for Girl Scouts. My favorite part of that tour was at the end when they gave each of us our very own miniature loaf of bread. i would take mine to my grandma and she would slice it up and make miniature sandwiches for me.

 

i like miniature things. They feel so easy to conquer. i could put a whole sandwich in my mouth like a giant and think nothing of it. They don’t seem so scary or make me feel so vulnerable. 

 

But right now i keep looking around inside my head and everything seems humongous. The darkness does a great job of covering all of it. And the anxiety likes to form paths. But i just want to stop. Not move. Not talk. Not think. Not be. 

 

My voice feels pointless when everything towers over me. A tiny squeak even i can barely hear. My brain, which is me, but doesn’t feel connected right now keeps rattling off all the things i should have said and done and worn and read and not said and not done. It compiles a list of each imperfection and an explanation of how that will cause failure at some point. 

 

i don’t know if it is a success to look at pictures of scars rather than to create more of my own. Nothing is right right now. 

 

i want to feel like a giant in my head again. i want to eat miniature sandwiches and find words that make noises. i want to just sleep.

h1

Looking for 1 hole or cave to rent indefinitely.

August 16, 2014

i’m challenging myself to do this again. For at least a week. We’ll see from there. But the words don’t want to cooperate tonight. They’ve crawled deep down inside me so i can feel them and i know they still exist but nothing happens when i try to use them. i wish it were that easy for me. Just go crawl into a hole or a cave somewhere and just disappear until i was ready to come out. i should be looking for the words. Because without them i am looking toward other things to calm the spinning in my head and the pounding in my chest and hum of negativity in my ears. 

 

i feel weak in every sense of the word right now. And i’m too tired to care or do anything about it. That’s all.

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An open letter to the monsters in my head

August 15, 2014

Dear Depression Monster,

Lots of people are talking about you right now. And i’m glad. Except i hope it doesn’t stop this time. i hope they keep talking long and hard and loud. You lie.  i can only speak for me but you trick me. You trick me into thinking that all those people who told me to call them when i wanted to pick up a razor blade don’t actually mean it. You trick me into thinking the razor blades are my friends. You trick me into thinking that everything will always have that haze over it and it will hurt to even try to get out of bed. You make me think i am alone and you make every negative voice in my head scream so loudly that i want to just make everything stop. You make my head hurt and my stomach hurt. You make me feel like i am out of control in every aspect. i can’t focus, so you remind me how poorly i am doing at things which will lead to my eventual failure. i can’t explain why you are there so you let me know what a terrible friend i am when people just want to help. You don’t even let me form words sometimes because you like to taunt me with just how worthless all of mine are. You tell me to push people away when i need them most. 

Well guess what? Fuck you.

Because i felt you creeping up this time. And i asked for help. And i let someone know. And i didn’t let you keep my mouth shut. i looked at the blades and then i curled up and let the love of my life and she rolled on her back and stuck her paws in the air and waited for me to rub her tummy and then she licked my face and curled up on my tummy and reminded me that she loves me NO MATTER WHAT you say. That doesn’t mean i win this round or any round. You will probably always be stronger than me. But if i can hold on until you decide to move on then i at least get points. 

You played a part in taking someone who meant something to me. i never met him. i most likely never would have. And maybe it sounds silly but my heart was full of love for him. And it hurts now. More than i ever thought the death of a stranger could. And i hate you for playing a part. I hate you for lying to him and everyone else. And i hate you for making people feel so ashamed because they know you. 

i’m not ashamed and i’m ready, with backup, to punch you in the face. 

me

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Me and not thinking are going to be best friends. . . if we ever meet.

November 25, 2013

Sometimes the words that we need most to say are the hardest to get out. Sometimes we can taste them in our mouth and they are so bitter that we spit them out. Other times they just get stuck until we swallow them back down. It is hard to tell your story without some of those moments. Or in some cases a lot of those moments. It can get easier but it takes a lot of time a patience. 

 

There are things that i could say to people but they wouldn’t understand. Not for lack of trying but because they have never had to wear those shoes. And sometimes you just need someone who has. Sometimes there is just nothing to say to make things better even though that’s all you want. 

 

i’m trying not to think tonight. i’m not doing very well at that. i think i suck at pretty much everything right now. i shouldn’t even publish this but i am doing that whole dumb writing through it thing. Maybe tomorrow i’ll be happy about it. 

 

i just hate feeling so conflicted. i hate watching the world work the way it should and lining my life up with other people’s in a way that is awesome and yet still feeling that dark cloud. i hate looking at my christmas decorations which i love so much and wanting to cry. Depression and anxiety fucking suck. It’s like i can see and touch the good but i can’t hold onto it. That makes me feel like the worst person ever. It makes me feel like i don’t appreciate the things i have and the people in my life but i do. i do so much. Even when i try and push them away because i want to do it before they do. Even when they don’t understand things. i appreciate them so much. i just want to appreciate them without feeling like Pigpen from the Peanuts with a cloud of depression surrounding me. i don’t want to have to fake a smile when i’m doing something i really do like but can’t find the enjoyment in.

 

i know a lot of this is holiday related because things have changed in my life and this is the first year i’ll be alone on the holidays not because there are states separating me. It is for the best. i know this. But right now it just sucks.

h1

panic, and tears, and rambles, oh my

November 16, 2013

i am trying to hear a certain voice telling me to write it out. And even though i’m having trouble hearing it i’m trying to do it. And i’m trying to picture the words on the screen and the feel of the keys on my fingers as a replacement for the cool metal i want right now because i know that will help me breathe. And i know that will make my heart stop pounding and make the room stop spinning and closing in. And the can’t stop moving and don’t want to move feeling and the tears.

 

i don’t know why it came on tonight. i don’t know where it came from. Well i guess that isn’t true but i don’t know why it rushed in and blindsided me like this all at once. i’ve had a pretty shitty week in a lot of ways and there have been a lot of unexpected things and ups and downs. And i knew i was feeling it. But i didn’t know that it was going to just open its mouth and try to swallow me whole when i came upstairs from lunch.

 

i don’t even know why i’m writing this. i don’t want to write this. i know, i really know that it does help but all i want right now is either that razor blade or to just crawl under the covers and disappear. i try not to listen to all of the negative things that have been ingrained in me for so long but right now that’s all i can hear and it’s so loud.

 

Just write it out. Just write it out. i don’t know how to write what is in my head out. i don’t know how to turn these tears into words. i can’t seem to turn pain into sentences and paragraphs. And i can’t seem to find solace in any of the people i know i could talk to. i don’t want to pick up the phone like this. i don’t want to type a text message because i don’t even know what it would say. Let’s be real i don’t fucking want to ask for help. Partially because i don’t want to need help. Partially because people who see the reality of me tend to leave. And i don’t know if i could take that right now. i don’t want people to know that i’m a complete fucking nutjob. i want to put on a face and make snarky comments and pretend that i have it all together.

 

Which i suppose is a ridiculous thing to say as i write this somewhere that anyone can read. But that’s the truth and every time i go to hit publish i think about erasing everything. Sometimes i do. And then i try to remember that same voice that tells me to write it out telling me that maybe this might make some sort of difference not just to me and i do it. And i try to remember that this isn’t all i am. Even though it feels like it sometimes. And i try to remember the words of some of my favorite people telling me good things and silly things and just things i need to hear.

 

None of it is working right now but at least i’m trying. That has to count for something.

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When the world throws a curve and all you have is Alanis.

November 14, 2013

i’ve been avoiding the blog not because i wanted to but because i have tendinitis in my wrist and it has been acting up so i’ve been trying not to use it when i don’t need to, especially for things that irritate it like lots of typing. But things are just jumbled right now and i need to get some of the knots out of my brain.

 

Sometimes people affect you in ways you don’t expect. Sometimes in ways they don’t even know about. And because of that they can also hurt you in ways you don’t expect or that they don’t know about. It’s hard to confront someone to tell them that you are hurt when they don’t even know what the fuck you are talking about. i tend to be the one who cares more. i tend to be the one who holds on. i know it has to do with my fear of abandonment. But as much as i withdraw and try to crawl in a hole i am fiercely loyal to the people i love. Unfortunately that seems to mean that it hurts more when something happens to cause waves or a rift in the relationship.

 

i have been trying to impress on someone the necessity to build up a wall of strength so that not everything seems personal. Because more often than not it isn’t. Most of the time it is our brain and our negative inner voice twisting those words and actions into a completely different video than everyone else saw. (i’m not great at this myself but i’m good at spewing the concept.) But then the thing is i’ve been working so hard for so long to not have a wall up. To not be so alone when my emotions get to be too much to handle. Or to not sit in silence until i explode. i’ve been working so hard on letting people in. So basically all of this means there is another balance i have to learn to strike. i’m not so good at balancing and i can’t even blame my inner ears on this one (walking is all on them though). i need to get rid of enough of that protective barrier so that i’m not alone but not so much that i don’t have any shield to protect me. It seems to be trial and error to see which pieces can go and which need to stay. That, of course, means it’s not really a fun process. Then again a whole lot of necessary things aren’t really all that fun.

 

Sometimes it just seems like it would be easier to just put all the walls back up and be alone. i feel really alone a lot of the time anyway so it wouldn’t be that different. But i also know that other things come with being alone. The thought that razor blades can be used as friends and the wondering if i can feel anything anymore. The feeling that all those demons inside my head have won. That all the people who have helped contribute to my demons have won. And the harsh realization that i can’t fix anything in the world if i let the darkness take over.

 

So i try and fight it. There are some days where i feel invincible like i’ve made progress and made a difference in someone else’s day, and that i’m going to keep going and going and going until i reach whatever the end of this race is. Then there are others where everything just feels stagnant, like i’m breathing that thick summer air that doesn’t move and feels like you haven’t actually taken a breath. And there are days that just feel like i’m drowning, or like i’m in quicksand and panicking. Everything goes wrong, i can’t fix anything with myself or anyone else, and i just feel useless and broken. i want to not let things that people say or do play a part in which day i’m having but i do. And sometimes it is the lack of saying things that feels like a giant hand holding me underwater while i decide whether i should struggle to get oxygen or just give up.

 

i’m at a place where i know logically is probably a good place for me to be. But emotionally is just hurting right now. Maybe it’s the newness of things, maybe it’s the holidays, i don’t know. i am trying desperately to put the voices of two of the best people i know on repeat to remind myself that i am not the problem in this situation. That i am worth something in this world and that i am loved by people. i don’t want to hear my own self destructive thoughts but they are so loud and ingrained that it’s like a scratch in the music where it just repeats those phrases over and over.

 

Perfection in unattainable and yet i struggle every minute of the day with trying to achieve it and crumbling a little when i don’t. Wondering how things would be different if i could just reach that point. Playing Alanis Morisette’s song over and over in my head and trying to find that balance between the perfection and the pain.

 

i will get through all of these obstacles. it might take me a bajillion and twelve years but i will. i have to. i don’t want my first reaction to be, “why?” when someone tells me they care about me. And i don’t want my first reaction to emotional trauma to be to think about the feeling of that blade in my hand even if i’m not using it. i’m ready to tiptoe through this, maybe while wearing a helmet.