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Surrounded by way too many people but still way too alone

August 18, 2014

Questions and doubts are the only things that seem to be playing in my head. Trying to remind myself that this is just all part of the game the monster likes to play with me and then questioning whether i believe that or not. Wondering if it is actually worth making connections with people when i know i will never be good enough for what they deserve. And wondering if, in standing up for what i believe if i feel better standing alone right now or not. 

 

i don’t want to see people. Because i don’t want to have to pretend to be whatever i’m not right now. And we say it’s okay to not do that. We say we can be honest with people. And maybe that’s true, behind the closed doors of your home with a close friend. Or whispered with one person who you might be able to trust but you aren’t sure because trust is kind of for suckers anyway. i can’t be how i am right now around people without every wrong question being asked, look being given, hearing every sigh or seeing every eye rolling. And maybe even if that wasn’t the case i wouldn’t want to see people. i don’t know. Right now i feel broken. Not “unfixable” but kind of like a chain that falls off on a bike sometimes. i don’t want to be around people when i’m broken. 

 

The questions roll on and on and on, is it really that i don’t want to be around people or do i doubt that people want to be around me? Am i scared of what they will think of me when they see me broken?  How do people muster up the energy to speak to other people? Why can’t i just fake it for days and weeks anymore? Was that really better? Why can’t i have brain chemistry that works? Why is it so wrong to want to relieve all the pressure? What would people think if they knew how many hypothetical questions i asked and then googled? Should i be worried about those questions? Do i even deserve to be asking those questions? Why can’t someone who cares more than i do right now be doing this? 

 

i want to say this writing thing is worthless but i know it isn’t. i know it helps me. i know it is something solid for me to grasp when nothing else seems graspable. But right now, at this moment, it feels worthless. It feels like something no one cares about, something i do because someone else suggested it was a better thing to do than my other coping mechanisms. It feels like words that i am standing at the top of a cliff screaming and no one is hearing. And it isn’t a matter of page views or comments or anything like that. It’s just a matter of writing these stream of consciousness things and then still feeling like i’m standing alone at the top of the cliff. There’s no immediate relief. The monster can burrow into every crevice so quickly but needs all the time in the world to find its way out.

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4 comments

  1. Oh, how I totally understand… I was just with a group of my closest friends last week. I didn’t want to go, but they convinced me I really should and that it would make me feel better. So I went and then I was even crabbier and felt worse off than I was before because, even with my closest friends, I felt the need to pretend like I wasn’t broken. It just felt like they were judging me and that they just didn’t get it. They were trying to be so chipper and I wasn’t there at all. I just wished I would have stayed home with the cat because she gets it more than they do…

    I’ve been feeling so… bleck lately, too. This life is pretty stupid, sometimes, but it’s sort of all there is. “One day at a time” is the mantra on repeat in my head… If you need to chat, I’m here. (But I know that a lot of people say that and, most of the time, it doesn’t help the monster go away…) Just know that I feel ya, sister.


    • It is all there is, that’s important to remember. i hate that one day at a time mantra but it is on repeat in my head too. i hate it because i don’t want to have to hear it on repeat, but again there’s the stupidity in this life. And thank you for knowing that sometimes being in a cave is more important than not being in a cave. And that sometimes talking means not talking. And that i really really appreciate you fighting the monster too.


  2. I hear you. I just wanted to say that. And writing clears up your thoughts, you know? Even if no one reads it. Then you have a record of how it was at one point and you can look back. Either to see hope that you’ve been in better places and can get there again, or to see that you aren’t in as bad of a place as you were before.


    • It does clear my thoughts. It just doesn’t feel like it right now. And it gets me through and it connects me with something when i feel disconnected. And it shows me things i didn’t realize. And it helps me find certain superheroes i needed to find again.



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