trying to write through the really big and the really little.August 17, 2014
When i was younger there was a bread factory in town that you could take tours at. We went for school and for Girl Scouts. My favorite part of that tour was at the end when they gave each of us our very own miniature loaf of bread. i would take mine to my grandma and she would slice it up and make miniature sandwiches for me.
i like miniature things. They feel so easy to conquer. i could put a whole sandwich in my mouth like a giant and think nothing of it. They don’t seem so scary or make me feel so vulnerable.
But right now i keep looking around inside my head and everything seems humongous. The darkness does a great job of covering all of it. And the anxiety likes to form paths. But i just want to stop. Not move. Not talk. Not think. Not be.
My voice feels pointless when everything towers over me. A tiny squeak even i can barely hear. My brain, which is me, but doesn’t feel connected right now keeps rattling off all the things i should have said and done and worn and read and not said and not done. It compiles a list of each imperfection and an explanation of how that will cause failure at some point.
i don’t know if it is a success to look at pictures of scars rather than to create more of my own. Nothing is right right now.
i want to feel like a giant in my head again. i want to eat miniature sandwiches and find words that make noises. i want to just sleep.