Me and not thinking are going to be best friends. . . if we ever meet.November 25, 2013
Sometimes the words that we need most to say are the hardest to get out. Sometimes we can taste them in our mouth and they are so bitter that we spit them out. Other times they just get stuck until we swallow them back down. It is hard to tell your story without some of those moments. Or in some cases a lot of those moments. It can get easier but it takes a lot of time a patience.
There are things that i could say to people but they wouldn’t understand. Not for lack of trying but because they have never had to wear those shoes. And sometimes you just need someone who has. Sometimes there is just nothing to say to make things better even though that’s all you want.
i’m trying not to think tonight. i’m not doing very well at that. i think i suck at pretty much everything right now. i shouldn’t even publish this but i am doing that whole dumb writing through it thing. Maybe tomorrow i’ll be happy about it.
i just hate feeling so conflicted. i hate watching the world work the way it should and lining my life up with other people’s in a way that is awesome and yet still feeling that dark cloud. i hate looking at my christmas decorations which i love so much and wanting to cry. Depression and anxiety fucking suck. It’s like i can see and touch the good but i can’t hold onto it. That makes me feel like the worst person ever. It makes me feel like i don’t appreciate the things i have and the people in my life but i do. i do so much. Even when i try and push them away because i want to do it before they do. Even when they don’t understand things. i appreciate them so much. i just want to appreciate them without feeling like Pigpen from the Peanuts with a cloud of depression surrounding me. i don’t want to have to fake a smile when i’m doing something i really do like but can’t find the enjoyment in.
i know a lot of this is holiday related because things have changed in my life and this is the first year i’ll be alone on the holidays not because there are states separating me. It is for the best. i know this. But right now it just sucks.