Peering around corners, facing changes, and finding a new home.August 27, 2013
The tears are still lurking behind my eyes and my heart is still aching. i have received words of wisdom from some reliable sources and while i am scared and worried i know they are right. However, i couldn’t tackle any of it right now. i needed some time where, even though there is still a weight on my shoulders, i could just have some time filled with things that make me smile. i don’t want to get trapped in a hole i don’t know how to get out of.
i’ve gotten better at taking care of myself but i’m still not great at it. i’m still working at it. i don’t like change but it is so often exactly what we need. Sometimes we can’t picture what something would be like differently than we know it. We think that there is no possible way that we could relate/love/care about/interact with/etc things or people in the same way when they have changed. And sadly, sometimes that is the case. But more often what we don’t realize is how much we have changed alongside whatever it is. We live with ourselves every day all the time- we don’t see ourselves the same way other people do. When i look in the mirror i think i look fat and ugly. When i think about myself academically i think that i’m decently smart but there are so many people i know who are absolutely brilliant. When i think about myself emotionally i think i’m slower than remedial. But when i got out of my car the other day wearing my new cowboy boots and the best dress ever feeling super worried that i looked disgusting and that the bottom of the dress would slide up and show my scars Bri was there telling me i looked hot. Other people will tell me they never thought of something the way i did. In my last work review my new supervisor told me what a quick learner i was.
All of that is stuff i might work for and strive for but don’t always see. i can see the change so easily in other things but not myself. But those changes in me make it possible to keep going as the world around me changes too. i’ve talked before about my childhood library. i could talk about that place for days. i could walk you through the layout and which shelf i found some of my favorite books on. i could tell you about the different chairs that i sat and read in or the different art pieces that came through. i could tell you about music i found there or movies i watched and the hours i spent studying. i felt like a part of me died when we lost our library in the flood. This weekend was the grand opening of our new library. i volunteered to help out on both days so i got to go in early for a tour and such so i would know what i was doing. i was terrified as i walked into the building. i thought that i would love it because it was a library but it would never feel like my library. And in a way that is true. No library will ever take the place of my childhood library. But this place is amazing and it definitely feels like MY library. (i may have threatened to give up my apartment and move in.) It almost felt like i couldn’t breathe because i was so overwhelmed. Our community has worked so hard for this and i know that there are other kids out there like me who are going to find safety and comfort and themselves within those walls.
When i was helping out on both days i felt so at home. There are times when i go out and i get looks or comments from people. Whether it is about the fact that i have a pink (or whatever colour) mohawk, or that i have 17 piercings all above my neck. Or maybe about my tattoos or the fact that they think i look queer. When i walked in for my volunteer training the coordinator’s first words were to thank me and then to tell me how much she loved my hair. The three other people i was with were all above 60 i think and they all just loved the fact that i grew up at the other library and knew so much about how the library worked. When i was greeting people to the children’s library on Sunday the only comments i got were positive but mostly people just saw me as someone who loved the library and could answer their questions or comment on the books they picked out. It was awesome. Libraries aren’t often thought of outside the box of a building with books and computers for a lot of people. But for me libraries are a place where you can just be you and no one judges you for it. i’ve moved all over and one of the first things i have always done is get my new library card because even though everything else feels new, that card makes me feel like i’m home and i can get through whatever i need to.
That plus chilling with some monsters, celebrating a birthday, and starting to rewatch Anne of Green Gables has made this a pretty okay weekend. i still have to deal with all the shitty stuff and i wasn’t trying to run from it at all, i just needed to remember that not everything is shitty stuff. It’s so easy to find myself with blinders on when i get caught in the claws of the depression beast.