Back to the starting line. Or somewhere behind it.August 20, 2013
i don’t know if i should be writing this right now. No, that’s not true. i don’t know if i want to be writing this right now. i’m fairly sure i should be. And whether or not i hit the publish button is yet to be determined but i’m trying this as the tears are falling because i’ve already slid backwards today and i’m fighting urges so hard right now that i have to do something to keep my hand and the front of my mind occupied.
i watched two movies today that i shouldn’t have. Both of them so so triggering and i knew, i knew they would be and i hit play anyway. i wanted to watch them. i wanted to be triggered. Because i wanted to blame everything on that instead of the fact that i’m just fucked up.
i tried though. i organized a new box of crayons. And i started to reread Harry Potter. But none of it was enough to stop the spinning. Or to stop the constant replay of trying to figure out where everything went so wrong.
i’ve been trying so hard to take care of myself. But if i want to keep doing that i keep hurting someone i love more than anything in the world. And without her i really am alone. i don’t know what to do. i want to disappear. i want to rewind time and delete my entry into the world. Because then i don’t have to be the glue. i don’t have to be the strong one and i don’t have to be the one to make her cry.
We all tell ourselves lies. i do it all the time. i tell myself, and other people, that i’m okay with this or that. That i don’t need such and such to be happy. And maybe they aren’t outright lies. i probably don’t NEED those things. But sometimes i WANT them so badly it hurts. Sometimes, i don’t know how to balance those things with the reality of what is.
i should sleep but my mind won’t stop. The tears won’t stop. Back to Hogwarts.