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Save me from armageddon, high road to heaven (the first song i could think of with Nebraska in it)

August 8, 2013

Let’s see if i remember how to do this. . . .

 

i have been missing for a few reasons. First of all i went to Colorado to see my two best friends and had an AMAZING time. It was my first time there and it was absolutely gorgeous. The altitude didn’t bother me and i got to go to a british import store. But most importantly i spent time with my amandas. These two are some of the most important people in my life and i don’t know what i would do without them. We are all SOOOO different but somehow we fit together perfectly. Oh, and while i was there we learned that i am basically a cornfield expert.

 

Then as soon as i came back i started my new position (actually i missed training by being in Colorado) so i learned while watching. It was so overwhelming and i didn’t have the luxury of having other people with me to ask questions that you might not think of. And then after i started to feel sort of okay doing the new job our big huge busy time started and i did A LOT of overtime.

 

Mixed in there was also some canoeing and tattooing and fireworks and fairs and hair dye and piercings so awesome level is pretty high.

 

But there is this sort of uneasiness in my head. i feel like i am standing on the fulcrum of everything. Like i could keep going happy and having fun but that i might also go to that darker place. i talked to my former supervisor about this and he declared this my mental nebraska. i’m in the middle of everything and it’s not really a fun drive.

 

i really like my new job. It’s like i get to be a detective and use my hermit acquired internet skills to figure things out and that’s fun. But there is also part of it that are so maddening and it is stuff that i can’t control so it sort of leaves me flailing around because i don’t like not being in control. Also i’m still a new kid. The new team is great and there are some really cool people but i miss my old team. We were all new kids on that team so i never felt like the odd one out. So now there is a new job, a new team, and new supervisors. It’s a lot. My brain is kind of exhausted at trying to sort out the changes and the good stuff and the bad stuff and everything else.

 

i guess when i think about it most big changes throw me into my mental nebraska. And i think i have more of a choice than i sometimes realize when it comes to what direction i’m going to end up going. That’s both comforting and overwhelming. i am a thinker and an over thinker. So sometimes when i try so hard to focus on everything working out perfectly i get completely derailed at the slightest bump in the road. Recognizing this is important but not necessarily easy to change.

 

Other life things are not so good but i’m trying really hard to not let it get to me. i know all families are complicated- i only know my own experience though and being the only child of only children is a lot of pressure with no where to spread it around.

 

That is part of the reason my chosen family is so important. i did add a new member to my household- he’s just a betta but i love him so much and i talk to him every day. His name is Ignotus (after the third Peverell brother) and he’s awesome. He recognizes the sound of my alarm and does crazy swimmy dances to get my attention when it is breakfast time. i’m not allowed to have a dog at my apartment so i decided on my fishy and he makes me smile so he seems to be earning his keep.

 

Getting ready to go on an adventure with my work wife/partner in crime so hopefully i’ll have a photo update for you soon. i think that’s it for now. Not as exciting as it could have been but it’s been a long time and. . . “oil can”

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