The world also showed me i might have a popsicle addiction and how much i love impromptu dance partiesMay 28, 2013
It’s been a few days. But the good news is that it’s just because i’ve been busy not because i’ve been trying to disappear.
This week the world has shown me a few different things.
First of all, the friends and the families that we choose to be a part of come in all shapes and sizes. Of course, i knew this before. But sometimes the people that we feel the deepest connections to are not the ones we would pick ourselves if we had to go to a store and guess which person would be the best for us. And sometimes we just have to wait for the right time and place for those paths to cross. For example, one of my closest friends graduated the same year i did, from the same college. We started at the same time and knew who each other were but never got to know each other until our junior year when Junior Production threw us in the same space. It was sort of like two lego pieces finally fitting together. Not that we are ridiculously hard to separate (though we do tend to talk for hours when we are together) but that we just fit so perfectly as friends. i never ever would have thought that about her before that moment. But as usual, the world knows more than i do and places these amazing people in my way so i can’t avoid them, often times when i most need them. i am gigantically thankful for this. There aren’t a lot of people that you can really peel back layer after layer after layer and have them love you through all of it. And i think that when it comes from a person you didn’t expect it to it makes your mind shift a little bit to see the world a little clearer and helps you remember that overall in the grand scheme of things you don’t really know much but the one thing that is for sure is that you can get love and you can sure as hell give it- even when you weren’t expecting it. . . especially when you weren’t expecting it. Those are the times love is needed the most.
Secondly, you know how a lot of people have that moment where they realize their parents are human? i realized that before i knew what it was to realize that. But, as i’ve mentioned before, i’m kind of stunted emotionally. In many ways i had to grow up really fast but in others i didn’t really grow up at all. i think, because of this i tend to have that moment of realizing the human-ness of people i look up to, or admire, or respect. It can be a hard and sometimes painful realization. It can shatter every picture i have in my head. Maybe that’s the best thing to happen but it feels horrible at the time. i’m trying to remind myself that people are all just people. That no matter how awesome i think someone is or how much i look up to them, they can still make mistakes. They might say or do something that upsets me. And the biggest thing i’m trying to remember is that those things don’t have to mean that i did something wrong. They don’t mean that person thinks less of me. And they don’t mean that i have to run away or push away a relationship that i have established. None of these are easy for me and none of them are my first instinct but i know they will serve me so much better than the other choices. This also carries over to other people. i truly believe that a majority of people are just doing the best they can. So i’m trying to remember when people annoy me or drive me crazy with some random thing that they are probably doing the best they can and they’re on a journey too.
Lastly, i know that we should worry more about what is on the inside than on the outside. And i do. But, i’m just like most of us. i look in the mirror. i worry about what i see. i fuss over whether clothes look right or if i used makeup correctly. And those superficial surface things can send me into a spiral of self doubt and self hate. However, i did something recently that i wasn’t aware would make as much of a difference as it did. i dyed my hair (not a natural color) and put my earrings in. i’m working on getting the rest of my piercings put back in. i don’t do this because i want attention. i think we’ve figured out that attention is kind of the last thing i want as far as people looking at me. But there is just something about having my hair dyed, and sometimes mohawked, and my piercings that makes me feel like me. i always felt like that before when i had them in but i didn’t realize what a difference it made when i took them out. i just thought i missed them. Now that they are back in i realized it felt like i was missing part of me. Friends have told me that they are really happy i’m putting them back in. It’s not that i’m not me without those things or that my friends love me less but there is something inherently more whole about me with those things. i don’t know how to explain it but i feel way more confident lately and that’s pretty amazing.