Not only do i have my own thoughts crashing around but also everyone else’sMay 3, 2013
We are told by many different people, in many different ways, throughout our lives that we shouldn’t worry about what other people think.
This is complete shit.
i’m not saying that you shouldn’t be happy and comfortable in your own skin but this idea of not worrying about what other people think of us is preposterous. And worse, those thoughts aren’t all equally weighted. Some people’s thoughts and opinions about us mean more than others.
Friends can tell us how smart and talented we are but they aren’t the ones who hire us for a job or give us a promotion. Family members can tell us we have grown up to be remarkable but they aren’t the ones who are going to ask you on a date.
i wish i could simply not worry about these things. But the truth is, if i want to go to school, i will have to jump through those hoops to impress the people who will admit me, and then i will work my ass off to make a good impression on my professors so when it comes time to get a job i will have the right people standing behind me. When i applied for this job, i didn’t have my tattoos showing or wear any of my piercings. And while those things are accepted where i work, they aren’t in so many other places. Ink on our skin or dye in our hair doesn’t make us any different on the inside but that doesn’t seem to matter to a lot of people.
Who we love isn’t something we should have to worry about but so many of us do. We have to worry about what family or friends or co-workers will say. And it’s not just if you’re queer. People have strong opinions on age differences or race differences or how people meet and whatever else. This doesn’t mean that you stop loving who you love but you find yourself avoiding subjects or talking loosely about them.
People say that we shouldn’t stay in situations where we can’t be ourselves and i agree, in a friendship or a relationship you should be able to be yourself without fear. Things like jobs and families are a whole different story though. Jobs aren’t something you fall over every day and families are so ridiculously complicated.
And the thing is, even if you can be who you are at a job you will still (at least i will) worry about what people think of you. Do they think you’re working hard enough, do they think you’re smart enough or good enough to be working there, do they think you’re good enough to move on past the point you are at?
For me, the idea that i am not any of those things is crushing. i don’t want to be a failure and i don’t want people i respect to think i’m not worthy of something more. i don’t want to feel like i am told one thing to build me up and then i sit back and look around and see something else. My last job spent a lot of time telling me how good i would be at a higher position and then pushing aside any requests to learn more or to take on more responsibility. It hurt so much and i didn’t have much, if any, respect for those people.
We are told to ask for help when we need it. In a huge variety of situations. And then somehow, when or if we actually do, there are people who think we are weak for it. So we are left wondering and worrying about who those people are and what we should or shouldn’t say and do.
People can make tiny remarks that leave such deep scars. They play a major role in how we go through our lives every single day.
It is exhausting. All of it. i’m just so fucking tired of all of it. i’m just so fucking tired.