Yes, cement trucks. And why i apologize a lot.April 19, 2013
We all have things we fear. There are those tangible things- for me it’s thunder and lightning and cement trucks. Obviously there are different levels of these fears. Some people are so scared of flying they can’t even go to an airport. Others just need to take an anti anxiety pill to get through it.
The harder things, for me anyway, are the not so tangible fears. i have a serious fear of abandonment and i deal with atelophobia (the fear of not being good enough or imperfection.) These play so hand in hand it is ridiculous. i am so constantly scared that if i don’t say things exactly right or do things exactly the way someone expects them to be done that i will lose that person. i can see that these things aren’t logical. i get that while i was in college if i would have spoken in class and answered something incorrectly i wouldn’t have been laughed at and thrown out of school but i was terrified of that.
Sometimes i am so scared of people leaving that i will hold onto unhealthy relationships because at least it is something, at least i’m not alone. It’s not easy to sort out the knowledge and hard evidence from the kudzu like fear that covers everything.
i know and completely understand that people have bad days. i obviously have bad days, why wouldn’t anyone else. But for whatever reason, especially if i really care about someone or respect them and i can’t put a finger on why (and not in a nosy type way) they are having that off day the gears in my brain start turing until i am convinced that i did something to cause it. i want nothing more than to go and apologize. i want to fix it. i read into things that probably aren’t there. And it will repeat over and over and over in my head. The tears will start at any given moment. And i feel so defeated because if that person has me feeling like that it means that i’m not, at that moment, in a position to push that person away myself to avoid getting hurt, i already am.
i will start making lists of all the things that are wrong with me, that i screwed up in one way or another, things i did that i shouldn’t have and things i didn’t do that i should have. Things i said that were the wrong words or the wrong time. Every little thing.
So while i’m sitting there crying or trying not to and fearing that i will lose this person because i wasn’t good enough in some multitude of ways, i start to get angry at the same time. At myself. And i don’t always know how to deal with that anger. i know how i want to deal with it but i also realize that i shouldn’t reach for the blade. And then there is this whole spiral of a melt down. i hate myself for cutting, i think that if i was good enough at dealing with emotions and life that i wouldn’t need that. i think about what a failure i feel like when i succumb to to the desire. i think about how i don’t deserve people in my life to begin with and how i will inevitably fuck up every relationship i have in some way. i think about how scared i will be if i don’t have people in my life and try to figure out how i can be perfect and not lose the people i have. Then how i will never be perfect and i hate myself for that.
It’s exhausting. i feel like Sisyphus. i’m trying to write this out so maybe i can come back and see how preposterous all of these thoughts are. i’m trying to get better at talking about when i feel like this though that one is still really hard. i’m trying to remind myself that a step forward is a step forward no matter how small or how long it takes to make.