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Trying to make sense of pieces that don’t fit

April 15, 2013

Aforementioned assignment giver wants me to write more. It was suggested that i put some of my poetry on here and i wasn’t a huge fan of that idea but it is still being weighed out. It was also suggested that i try blogging every day for a week. That maybe some of what i have to say might not only be good for me to get out but might be helpful for someone else. i’m willing to try that (and i’m not one to shirk an assignment.) However if it ever gets to the point where i am more focused on getting a post up than on what i am saying i will shut it down.

To be honest my brain is sort of in a combination of overload and barely working mode. i’ve been sick and finally went to the doctor to get antibiotics today but my body still just wants to sleep and get rid of all the junk. Then on the other hand on top of the regular pulsings of my own thoughts we throw in some helpless feelings about shit going on in people i care about’s lives and i can’t fix it. Then on top of that we have Boston. My heart is just heavy.

Whenever things like this happen my mind wanders back to Columbine. i know it isn’t the same but they are related at least in my own head. i was and still am drawn to anything that has to do with school shootings. i need to wrap my head around it. i need to find some piece of it that will click into place and make sense. And sometimes i do find that piece but the other pieces don’t necessarily fit together. It is all like random pieces of different puzzles that you’ll never be able to fit together into one no matter how hard you try.

i read every article i could find about Columbine, watched every tv report and special. Now a lot of what was reported right around that time wasn’t actually so true or the whole story but we didn’t know that at the time. Read Columbine by Dave Cullen- it is fascinating and eye opening. i was devastated by what had happened in that school- i was in high school at the time so i think it really struck home. However when i read those articles and watched those specials i was really angry about some of the stuff i saw. One night at about 2 in the morning i wrote a letter to the editor calling out the teachers who sit back and do nothing while kids are bullied and ridiculed for being different. i called out cliques. i called out apathy. i didn’t really think a lot of it. It was kind of my way of blogging back then, i just needed to get it out and happened to send it to the newspaper. i was more than a little shocked to find my letter printed in the Sunday paper the next week. When i went to school the next day i got compliments from a few teachers, others gave me a look that told me they had read my letter but would then look away and avoid eye contact.

We live in a fucked up world. We have news sources that blame rape victims. We have kids who are so bullied they kill themselves because teachers and schools won’t do anything about it. We have explosions at marathons. We have shootings everywhere. There is a whole series on YouTube of It Gets Better videos for queer kids. And in a lot of ways i believe those videos but sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes it’s hard to look at our schools, our cities, our states, our country, and our world and see how it gets better. We trade one thing for another. Maybe we won’t get pushed into a locker anymore but we can’t file taxes together or be legally married in most places. Maybe we grow up and stop getting teased about our weight and fall in love with running and then we go to a marathon and are met with tragedy.

i don’t have a solution. i don’t have an answer but i can tell you that when i start working with my Girl Scout troop i will do everything i can to instill in those girls the idea of equality and of love and support. i don’t want to teach tolerance i want to teach acceptance.

By the way if you haven’t watched Bully yet, it is on Netflix and you should. Watch it by yourself, watch it with your kids, watch it with your friends and start talking.

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