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Circle games are better when they come from Joni Mitchell

April 14, 2013

i’ve gotten comments from people recently letting me know it’s nice to see me smiling again. Those comments make my day and rip me apart at the same time.

Don’t get me wrong, i am feeling better than i was. But it is a long long road. When i wake up in the morning i still have to talk myself into getting up and getting ready. i still have to consciously remind myself to eat on a regular basis. i still come home and curl into a ball and wish to disappear a lot of times. When i’m at work i try really hard to fake it. And sometimes it works- sometimes i fake it until it is a real smile and a real laugh and i am enjoying myself without thinking about it. Other times it is real but in the back of my head i am thinking about how much it wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t there. And sometimes it just isn’t real at all. Sometimes it’s all a mask because i don’t want to be the crazy girl. i don’t want to be someone who needs help.

So i feel really good knowing that i can pull off the feeling better thing well enough for people to notice. And then i feel sort of crushed because none of it feels real and i don’t like that. It’s such a fine line to walk. i don’t want to need help, i don’t want to need friends or support, i want to be able to handle things on my own and get by on my own. At the same time i crave the company of my friends and the conversations i have with certain people. It feeds my heart and makes the world seem a little brighter.

It’s a risk. . . being real with people. You can hand a person a piece of yourself and you run the risk that they won’t know what to do with that piece. They might look at it in disgust, hand it back, and walk away. They might be horrified and run. They might take it and put it on a shelf hidden away so you know it’s there but no one can see it or talk about it. Or they might take it and hold onto it- understanding its worth and not care about the sharp edges. It’s hard and can be humiliating to open yourself up to someone. Those pieces can be used as ammunition. They can be flung so carelessly yet with perfect aim. i’ve had it happen too much.

i’ve been watching Good Will Hunting over and over and over and over again lately. It’s one of my all time favorite movies. i get Will in so many ways. Sometimes i get him so much that the tears won’t stop and i can’t breathe when i watch. i know i push people away. Why shouldn’t i? Why should i let them get close in the first place? Inevitably i do though. There will be something about someone that at that moment fits so perfectly into some empty space. It’s kind of magnificent to be close to someone in whatever way. To find people who don’t see you as broken but still understand that you need help putting the pieces back together is amazing. i don’t want to push that away but every time it goes away, every time people leave – and they all seem to- i wonder what it is about me that is so repelling and vow to not let it happen again.

i don’t like the see saw of it all.

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