Watching all three Jurassic Park movies makes me feel a little betterApril 8, 2013
i was taught early in life that emotions were something you should keep to yourself. There were certain subjects that were off limits. There were situations that happened that were never discussed again. Thankfully i Matilda’d myself into any book i could find and in those i saw a different version of the world. i never had a period talk, or a sex talk, or a relationship talk. Anything i wanted to know i looked up. Anything i couldn’t wrap my brain around i would constantly search for new books about to try to understand. Sometimes i would try to carry the books to school in hopes that someone would see them and wonder why i was reading them.
Silence is sometimes the only thing i want. When my mind is so loud that i can’t read a book or watch a movie. When i hear people screaming at each other. But there are other times when the silence makes me ache so deeply that i don’t feel like i can move. And sometimes those silences are filled with small talk and polite conversation which might be worse, i’m not sure.
i have a hard time breaking out of that silent shell and releasing everything that has built up inside. i have people in my life that i can do this with and i don’t take advantage of it the way that i should because it was so instilled in me that i shouldn’t. i hate this about myself. i know i should see the difference between me and the people who taught me this because i don’t want to be that way. It doesn’t work that way in my head. i see myself becoming what i detest and that scares me.
i want to find a balance between needing the silence and breaking out of it. i want to tackle the fear i have of not being perfect at expressing what i’m feeling. Maybe that’s why i keep posting. Even though the words seem silly and ridiculous to me and they seem like none of them make any sense and no one will understand what i’m trying to say at least i’m saying them.