Baby steps

March 31, 2013

Words are so powerful.


Something so simple as a text message, or a passing comment, or a line from a book or movie can make me feel so warm and understood and loved.


And then on the other hand something so simple as a text message, or a passing comment, or a line from a book or movie can crumble me. They can be so thoughtlessly spilled and also so perfectly aimed and cutting.


Words allow us to tell our stories. Big and small. And telling those stories gives us the power over them. It takes us out of the passenger’s seat and allows us to steer through things that we once had no control over.


Maybe that is why when i go into that dark place my words are the first thing to go. i grasp for them but there is nothing there. i open my mouth and nothing happens. i put my fingers on my keyboard and then take them off again. It is a terrifying place to be. So completely out of control. Just waiting for each moment to pass, hoping that the next will be more bearable. i try to hold onto anything that will give me control over it. i dye my hair, i cut it, i put makeup on, i take it off. i try to find physical things to change or fix because i want to look in the mirror and have the physical change meld into one inside my head. i hope and i pray that if i can fix the right thing the ability to speak, or laugh, or write, or cry, or be around people will come back. i hope that i will be able to find the thing that makes the stories pour out so that i am in control of the words that bang around inside. i want them to stop owning me.


It is a slow road. Meds take time to work. Trust takes time to build. Stories take time to be told. And re-told and re-told until they are just a story instead of a big scary ugly thing that lives inside. i’m working on that. i’m trying not to push away the amazing support i have just because i’m scared that it will disappear. i’m trying not to let things that happened in the past steer what i do today. i’m not good at any of it. When all the emotions burst out at once i still want to find a way to make it stop, it still feels too overwhelming to handle. When the emotions disappear i still want to disappear along with them. i try to know that it’s okay to be like that. Not all the time but it is okay for me to have those minutes. i just can’t let those minutes be my life.


That’s all i can get out right now. i’m sorry if it is rambly and disjointed- that’s sort of where i am right now.




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