only about 3,793 minutes to get throughMarch 17, 2013
i will warn you right now this may be full of ridiculous nonsense.
i keep getting told, and to be honest, i keep telling myself that i need to write through this. i need to take all the bad negative thoughts and memories and ideas inside my head and spew them out all over whatever paper or screen i have. i’ve been trying. i have pages of possible nonsense written out from the past few days. Things that i wish i could take back and hold inside again. Because once it’s there, on paper, in front of me on the screen it’s there. i could crumple it up and throw it away. i could light it on fire, i could delete the file completely. But there’s something about it at the same time that i don’t want to let go of and that’s part of the problem. Part of it is the fact that those are my words, i don’t want to just push them aside. i may be able to take them and reshape them into something later. And the other thing is it’s a lot easier to say let go of something than it is to actually do it. i can try to let go of something and even if i’m successful at that part i’m left not knowing how to be without that thing i’ve been holding onto for so long.
i’m trying hard to make an effort to reach out to people. To not be so alone. This is not always so successful. There are people who are amazing and supportive but that i don’t feel safe enough with right now to let everything pour out. There are people i might feel safe enough with but they live states and states away. i don’t have that person or people that are close enough for me to call and say, i need you. i don’t think i can be alone right now. The phone is a great invention but sometimes i don’t want to, sometimes i can’t talk. Sometimes i just need someone there in the same room. i don’t need them to talk. i just need to know that someone cares enough to sit in silence with me or won’t think i’m crazy when i can’t stop crying and i’m panicking about everything and nothing. i miss living in the dorm with people who knew me so well that if i said i was “fine” they would call me on my bullshit before the word even hit the air. It’s different now that we’re “grown ups.” We all have our own lives and things to worry about, we have husbands and wives and kids to take care of and sometimes those meaningful intimate moments amongst friends disappear. But the thing is i still need those moments. i am desperate for them.
i hate loneliness. i hate how it creeps up and wraps its arms around you so at first it feels like a place you want to be. . . snuggled in bed with a book or a movie not worrying about going out or anything else. And then you realize all of the sudden that you can’t get out of those arms. i sit at work laughing and enjoying the company of my co-workers and feeling like it wouldn’t matter if i wasn’t there. i saw people the other night that i haven’t seen in years. People that mean A LOT to me. Who i could probably sit with for days reminiscing and laughing and talking about nothing and everything. And i sat there feeling so out of place, wondering why i was sharing a table with them because they all seemed so comfortable with one another and when i tried to open my mouth nothing happened.
i have an appointment Wednesday. Getting to that point is step one. i have been reminded to take things each minute at a time and i’m trying.