Trying to turn fermented mind grapes into wine.February 26, 2013
i disappeared for a bit. i guess this isn’t that unusual at this point and maybe it will happen again. But i’ve been thinking a lot lately, my mind is in some sort of race to nowhere and i figured i’d throw some of this out there.
i guess it all sort of started in the summer. i started looking for a new job because i was surrounded by people who made no attempt to hide the fact that i was not part of their group, i wasn’t getting any help in learning new things or getting anywhere no matter what attempts i made to show initiative and interest and all that brown nosy sounding stuff. i also really started to feel like i was never going to reach my goal of saving money, paying off debt, and going to school. i filled out application after application and heard nothing back. i know this is common right now for lots of people but it doesn’t make it any less hard. i tried to stay positive about the whole thing but it definitely took its toll on me. i started feeling like there was something wrong with me that no one wanted to even interview me. i listened to all the wonderful encouragement and logical advice that i was given by friends and still went home feeling like a failure.
BUT i finally heard back from someone and interviewed and got a new job with a great company. It is far from what i want to do for a career but it’s a good environment to get me there. The people are great, i have opportunities to grow and push myself, i’m regularly encouraged and we are all called out for good things. So that’s awesome. AND after much internal debate i got an apartment and decided to stay in the cornfield for a while and keep saving money to pursue school online so that i can establish a life and a group of friends that i can see regularly, and feel stable in a place and in life. i haven’t had that in a long time- i’ve moved almost every year since 2004 and many of those times it has been to a different state.
So you would think i would be super excited and thrilled because there’s all this new exciting stuff. And in a lot of ways i am. But at the same time all i want to do is curl up in bed and disappear.
This is one of those posts that i’ve had in my head for so long and have tried to avoid writing but in the past couple of weeks there have been things pointing me in this direction so i’m trying to listen. i’ve long believed that the world works the way it should, the new job i got happened after i heard a commercial on the radio one morning on my way to work absolutely dreading my day. i had never heard the commercial before and never heard it again even though i listened to that station regularly. It had been months of trying and hearing nothing and i heard back the day after i submitted my application. And i know this is the right place for me right now. So i’m trying to find the right place for me to be in the rest of my life and in my head too, i guess.
Another one of those “the world works the way it should” things. . . my friend Melanie. i wrote a blog post a few years ago now and she happened to find it, i saw that she linked to my post and checked out her blog and thought to myself, i think i would get a long with her. i followed her on Twitter and slowly but surely we got to know each other more and more and now i consider her a dear friend even though there is still so much i don’t know about her or her about me and we’ve never actually met. Months ago now she had a friend of hers take his own life. i was heartbroken for her and amazed by her at the same time. She sent me a message to make sure i had her phone number in case i ever needed it and she posted things encouraging people to reach out and talk to people if they needed to. But the thing that amazed me most was how she did it in this totally non-robotic way- you could see that she was hurting and that she truly cared that this never happened again. It wasn’t like she was trying to ignore her feelings by throwing herself into what she thought she should do to fix things at that moment. i can do that sometimes so it was pretty awesome to see even though it was awful at the same time.
And Melanie is right, you should talk to someone. i should talk to someone. Because i realized something when i saw my best friend last week. . . i spend a lot of my time feeling not good enough. And i knew that already to some extent but i didn’t realize how much it has worked itself into my head until i was crying and rambling and saying things that didn’t always make complete sense but that i had never put into words to be said out loud before.
i thought i wasn’t good enough to get a new job. And when i did, my anxiety was ridiculous (my teammates have gotten used to seeing me in hives) because i thought i wasn’t going to be good enough at the job. i am good at the job but i still feel that impending doom feeling because i’m scared that i will mess something up or that if i’m not good enough then i won’t get to the next step.
Most of my college friends were psych majors or minors- they understand and in many cases have personal experience with mental health. i somehow convinced myself that my mental health issues weren’t as important as theirs, i felt like i could never live up to them so i didn’t really talk to them when i needed to or should have. When i read this back to myself i see how ridiculous it sounds but my head doesn’t always understand that its being an ass and getting in the way of what i need.
And some of those friends hurt me in a way that i don’t know how to ever explain to them. i still love them so so much but i don’t know how to let go of this piece of history and that makes me feel like the worst person in the world. And other friends have broken my heart in ways i’m still trying to figure out. i’ve always been an advocate of the idea that your friends should love you for who you are and if they want you to change or hide that then they aren’t real friends. But i somehow got caught up in some of that and it’s incredible how fast it can destroy you.
My ten year college reunion is next year and i want to go so badly and at the same time i’m terrified because standing next to my artist and lawyer and doctor and philanthropist classmates i feel like a complete loser fake. We got an email asking for alumna poetry and i deleted it because i didn’t think i had a chance.
i didn’t want to write this or any other blog posts because i feel like other people can write it better so what, really, is the point in me blathering on about something that someone else ( The Bloggess, Jen over at Epbot, Elijah at The Strength of Imperfection, and so many more) can say more eloquently or succinctly or who will reach that many more people who need it.
So i disappear. i stop blogging and i don’t call or text people to the point that they are so used to not hearing from me that they just don’t expect to anymore and they don’t reach out either. i read twitter and facebook and can’t bring myself to say anything because i don’t feel like i deserve the friends i have and i don’t know that i can pretend that things are awesome all the time. i stare at things that i could use to cut and i get a longing feeling.
And that’s just it. . . i don’t have to pretend that everything is awesome all the time. Real friends don’t need or want that. And chances are if i would reach out in the beginning of all this it wouldn’t snowball to the point it is now. i can write a blog post just for me and if one person happens to read it and it means something then that’s awesome but maybe it’s even better that i got all of that crazy out of my head and put it somewhere public so it doesn’t seem so scary anymore. When it sits in a journal on my computer it is still there where only i can see it and can convince myself that it doesn’t make sense and no one cares. When it is here it’s like i have to declare it to the world- my brain chemicals are screwed up and this or that shitty or amazing thing has happened in the world or my life and this is how i feel about it. i have to claim those feelings and words as my own and since i’ve spent a lot of my life trying to run from all the feelings i have, i think i need that.
So i want to try. That’s all i can give right now. i want to try to reach out when i need help or an ear. i want to write when i get that itch because there has never been a moment when writing has not been what i needed to do. And i want to try to stop comparing myself to other people and start feeling like who i am is good enough. We’ll see how it goes.
(On a side note i am frequently angry at myself for never reaching out and trying to meet Jen from Epbot and Cake Wrecks when i lived in the same city, because she gets the Disney, and the nerd, and the craft, and the anxiety stuff. So if i ever live there again or if i visit i’m going to be brave and try to make a new friend because i’m not so good at the whole meeting new people thing and i want to get better.)
ETA: i meant to clarify this before but Melanie made me realize i forgot. i haven’t started cutting again. i’ve been clean for over a year now, i know i might slip again sometime and when i start feeling like this i start thinking about it more but i’m okay right now.