h1

Crawling out from under my rock

December 15, 2010

i know, i know.  It’s been far too long.  Don’t think i haven’t missed you because i have.  Things have been a little crazy.  This will just be a quick update of where i’ve been and then i’ll try and get an IMM (In My Mailbox) and a few reviews up this week too.

 

It is my day off right now.  i had planned to be at Epcot celebrating Holidays Around the World and seeing Candlelight Processional and watching Illuminations with the very loud and awesome holiday tag at the end.  Instead i’m sitting here writing this.  That’s okay because i don’t mind the writing this part.  It’s the sitting here part that annoys me.  i’m stuck here in my apartment until some random person comes and drops off some sort of tiny computer for me to tape on my finger while i sleep tonight.  However, the company that drops these off seems to think that everyone that they provide services to is retired or homebound because they don’t work with appointments.  Yesterday i got a phone call letting me know that they would be by tomorrow (today) to drop it off and they would be back Wednesday to pick it up.  When i asked about a time they couldn’t give me one.  Today when they called they gave me a two hour window and acted annoyed and bewildered when i asked if it was possible for me to drop it off myself on Wednesday so i didn’t have to change two days worth of plans.  So now i’m stuck here waiting while my laundry isn’t getting done and i’m not at Epcot.

 

i suppose this wouldn’t be so bad except for the fact that for the past two weeks i’ve been sick and my days off have been spent curled in a ball on my bed trying to enjoy watching movies and reading a bit.  i was really excited for my first two days of feeling good and having the time to go do something fun.

 

Instead this morning i got 13 vials of blood drawn, got to pee in a cup (but not until after the blood was drawn- this is significant when you’ve spent the morning acting like Juno with a gallon of Sunny D to prepare,) had my toilet that leaked fixed (three weeks after i let them know,) and gazed longingly at my living room where i would love to watch movies at night but because my blinds are broken – stuck all the way up- i feel weird doing much of anything knowing everyone can see everything.

 

As you can tell, i’m cranky.

 

The last time we talked i was about to start my first NaNoWriMo.  And yay me! i didn’t finish.  Actually, i forced myself to stop.  i feel like a failure over it and i hate that.  But here’s what happened.  i started out well and was having a great time writing everyday and watching my word count rise.  i was frustrated with not being able to have a set writing schedule because of my job but i was plugging along.  Then i started getting a few more back to back shifts where i would have less than eight hours between work and i would be exhausted and fall asleep at the computer trying to write.  i started trying to force myself to write instead of sleep or eat.  i started focusing on the number at the bottom of the screen rather than the words i was typing.  And when that started i started getting stuck.  And i started getting angry at myself because i wasn’t typing fast enough or filling enough pages.

 

i realized i was no longer making it about writing.  i sucked the thing i loved the most out of the whole thing.  It took a bit for me to realize so it just got worse and worse until i sat here at my computer crying one day and really thought about everything.  That’s when i decided i needed to stop.

 

Don’t get me wrong.  i’m not going to stop writing or even stop working on the project i started, i just decided not to do it on the NaNo timeline.  That’s not to say deadlines aren’t important or that i can’t follow them.  i just need to set up my own way of working, not pay so much attention to some magic number and focus on the words not the numbers.  i hope that makes sense.

 

(break here because they just dropped off the little machine so i’m going to try and go to Epcot and salvage some of my day. . . back!  Didn’t get to enjoy everything as much as i would have liked but i did get to see Candlelight and the fireworks – with an awesome view so i’m much less cranky)

 

Other than that. . . at work one of my team members left for a new job so there was craziness while we waited for her replacement.  Good news for me is i’ll be working her shift which means a fairly regular schedule (and regular time to write.)

 

i also went to the Dr. for the first time in a long time- not having insurance is no fun.  So now i’m getting caught up on tests and blood work and everything else.  No fun but ultimately important.  Now i just need to work up my nerve to go to the dentist.

 

i’ve also been missing people.  That combined with having a nasty bug and having to work too much led to a lot of time curled up in bed.  There are just times, and i know i’m not the only one, when i can’t seem to not take things personally even if i know logically not to.  So when i don’t hear from people through e-mail or text or facebook or twitter or whatever outlet i start to wonder if i did something wrong and if those people are mad at me.  Then i start trying to convince myself that they are busy because they aren’t lame (like me) and they have a life so i shouldn’t bother them.  And instead of reaching out ot people i end up curling into myself and shutting everyone out.  It turns into a vicious cycle that i hate being a part of.  AND i know how ridiculous it all is and i still find myself doing it.  So if you’re reading this. . . hi!  i probably miss you and hope you’re doing well. . . i would love to hear from you whenever you get a chance.

 

Also annoyed because there was a project i was working on that i was really excited about.  More than i have words for.  The problem comes with working on it with someone else.  There are book collaborations out there that i love.  Ones i would probably offer someone my own foot in order to read (David Levithan and Rachel Cohn) and i was excited to try one of my own.  But when you work with other people you sometimes find that motivation levels are not equal.  And that when you feel amped about the project it doesn’t guarantee the other person/people will.  They won’t always realize or care that when they decide to stop working on the project that it doesn’t only involve them but everyone working on it.  So. . . if any of you have worked on a collaborative project – not for school – how has it gone?  Have you had problems?  Were you able to work them out?  How?  Help me, please.

 

The good thing is through everything i’ve been reading.  i finally found the biography section at my library.  i’m sure this sounds ridiculous but i thought i had found it before. . .there was a group of shelves with labels that said BIOGRAPHY on them.  But the selection was awful.  i never asked because i always had an armful of books anyway and there wasn’t anything in particular i was looking for so i would plan to ask the next time before i picked anything else up.  However, i’m not so good at the not picking anything else up part.  But i finally found it so i’ve read a few biographies/memoirs along with my YA lately and that’s been enjoyable.  Also my manager at work saw me reading Fallout (by Ellen Hopkins) and asked about it.  i told her a bit but when she saw it was a verse novel she looked disgusted and said she wouldn’t like it.  i tried to explain to her that if she read it she wouldn’t realize she was reading a verse novel.  She reluctantly agreed to try if i brought in my copy of Crank for her to borrow.  She warned me that she reads slowly so it might be awhile.  A few days later she came in telling me she read 200 pages, loved it and only stopped because she had to come to work.  She finished and is now planning to get her own copies of Glass and Fallout.

 

OH!  i’ve also been helping with a blog feature on one of my favorite book blogs Reclusive Bibliophile.  She has a feature called If You Like where different people help come up with recommendations of books, movies, tv shows, or music you might like if you liked a certain book, movie, tv show, or song/band.  It’s an awesome feature on an amazing blog and i’m honored to be a part of it so please please go check out the whole blog.

There is your update.  i’ll see you again soon i promise.  Oh and start sending me suggestions of books to read in 2011.  Old and new.  i’m going to try to start reading some of the classics that i somehow missed growing up along with everything else.

 

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4 comments

  1. Was thinking about you the other day when I was printing off some writing stuff at the library. (I got a job there and will get to make use of my English Major.)

    I totally get the whole idea of trying to meet deadlines and hating it. I write when I write, and I don’t when I don’t want to. And usually when I do write, I get a huge chunk done.

    Hang in there with your writing. Work at your own pace and make it what you want it to be and something that you’re proud of.

    Q.


    • Exactly. When i wasn’t thinking about the stupid deadline and the numbers i was writing pages and pages without noticing. Then when i started thinking about it everything went down the drain. But it was an important lesson, i don’t work well in that format but it doesn’t mean i can’t find one that fits me well. Jealous of your library gig! But happy for you, of course.


  2. I’m so sorry that you’ve been sick! Hope you feel better soon and that your writing situation improves, as well.

    I do appreciate all that reading and movie watching, though! It helps out with the recs later on 🙂


    • Thanks! i’ve been feeling much much better. Love sending recs to you, i wish i could find a job where that was all i did.



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