i’ve been avoiding the blog not because i wanted to but because i have tendinitis in my wrist and it has been acting up so i’ve been trying not to use it when i don’t need to, especially for things that irritate it like lots of typing. But things are just jumbled right now and i need to get some of the knots out of my brain.
Sometimes people affect you in ways you don’t expect. Sometimes in ways they don’t even know about. And because of that they can also hurt you in ways you don’t expect or that they don’t know about. It’s hard to confront someone to tell them that you are hurt when they don’t even know what the fuck you are talking about. i tend to be the one who cares more. i tend to be the one who holds on. i know it has to do with my fear of abandonment. But as much as i withdraw and try to crawl in a hole i am fiercely loyal to the people i love. Unfortunately that seems to mean that it hurts more when something happens to cause waves or a rift in the relationship.
i have been trying to impress on someone the necessity to build up a wall of strength so that not everything seems personal. Because more often than not it isn’t. Most of the time it is our brain and our negative inner voice twisting those words and actions into a completely different video than everyone else saw. (i’m not great at this myself but i’m good at spewing the concept.) But then the thing is i’ve been working so hard for so long to not have a wall up. To not be so alone when my emotions get to be too much to handle. Or to not sit in silence until i explode. i’ve been working so hard on letting people in. So basically all of this means there is another balance i have to learn to strike. i’m not so good at balancing and i can’t even blame my inner ears on this one (walking is all on them though). i need to get rid of enough of that protective barrier so that i’m not alone but not so much that i don’t have any shield to protect me. It seems to be trial and error to see which pieces can go and which need to stay. That, of course, means it’s not really a fun process. Then again a whole lot of necessary things aren’t really all that fun.
Sometimes it just seems like it would be easier to just put all the walls back up and be alone. i feel really alone a lot of the time anyway so it wouldn’t be that different. But i also know that other things come with being alone. The thought that razor blades can be used as friends and the wondering if i can feel anything anymore. The feeling that all those demons inside my head have won. That all the people who have helped contribute to my demons have won. And the harsh realization that i can’t fix anything in the world if i let the darkness take over.
So i try and fight it. There are some days where i feel invincible like i’ve made progress and made a difference in someone else’s day, and that i’m going to keep going and going and going until i reach whatever the end of this race is. Then there are others where everything just feels stagnant, like i’m breathing that thick summer air that doesn’t move and feels like you haven’t actually taken a breath. And there are days that just feel like i’m drowning, or like i’m in quicksand and panicking. Everything goes wrong, i can’t fix anything with myself or anyone else, and i just feel useless and broken. i want to not let things that people say or do play a part in which day i’m having but i do. And sometimes it is the lack of saying things that feels like a giant hand holding me underwater while i decide whether i should struggle to get oxygen or just give up.
i’m at a place where i know logically is probably a good place for me to be. But emotionally is just hurting right now. Maybe it’s the newness of things, maybe it’s the holidays, i don’t know. i am trying desperately to put the voices of two of the best people i know on repeat to remind myself that i am not the problem in this situation. That i am worth something in this world and that i am loved by people. i don’t want to hear my own self destructive thoughts but they are so loud and ingrained that it’s like a scratch in the music where it just repeats those phrases over and over.
Perfection in unattainable and yet i struggle every minute of the day with trying to achieve it and crumbling a little when i don’t. Wondering how things would be different if i could just reach that point. Playing Alanis Morisette’s song over and over in my head and trying to find that balance between the perfection and the pain.
i will get through all of these obstacles. it might take me a bajillion and twelve years but i will. i have to. i don’t want my first reaction to be, “why?” when someone tells me they care about me. And i don’t want my first reaction to emotional trauma to be to think about the feeling of that blade in my hand even if i’m not using it. i’m ready to tiptoe through this, maybe while wearing a helmet.